I recently witnessed a verbal altercation between two coworkers who are on very opposite ends of a significantly polarizing topic. Like most disagreements on this particular matter, things got a bit heated and personal. While I am not particularly close to either of these people, as the witness of the event, they both looked to me for endorsement. When I say it was an uncomfortable situation, I am grossly understating. The truth is, I do lean more to one side of the argument than the other. However, for a myriad of reasons, the least of which being that we were at work, I could not lend approval to either of them. I understood each of their sides, and I understood that this topic was important to each of them in very different ways. But I also understood that a) arguing about this would solve nothing, and b) no one in the situation actually had factual information to substantiate their deep rooted belief that they were right. Neither of these people were physically present to witness the topic at hand. They are operating off of third hand information that they read or saw on social media or the news, which was gathered from an investigator or representative who also was likely not present for the actual topic at hand. A press release turned into evening news, trimmed down into a 20 second reel with eye-catching headlines/captions. But despite both of these women knowing without any shadow of a doubt that they were not physically present to witness and vouch for the factual events up for discussion, they each fought with the conviction that what they knew was true. Now, one of them is right. But we (including the two of them) will never know which one.
This holds true for many of the convictions that we hold onto. We carry a jumbled up sack of things that we think we are right about, and we will fight for those things when someone else comes along and tells us that we are wrong. But what can we really claim to know for absolute certainty? Any event or conversation that we were not directly involved in or present to witness is hearsay. The retelling of it may hold some validity, but without first hand knowledge, there is no way to definitively know how much. So any opinion we have formed based on second hand knowledge will always be subject to discussion and debate. Because like you, someone else who wasn’t there to witness it, will have formed their own opinion based on second hand knowledge. Opinions cannot be proven or disproven. For the simple fact that to prove means to demonstrate the truth or existence of by evidence. As a second or third party participant, you can’t do that.
This situation set me to thinking about what a common and standard practice it is to take what we see and hear as truth. And how absolutely mind blowing it is that any of that last paragraph even had to be said. We have lost sight of what truth really is anymore. But not only have we lost sight of what truth is, we have lost sight of how we actually decipher what the truth is. I am just as guilty of this as anyone. Now more than ever. With the never-ending barrage of stimulation that comes through social media, internet, TV, AI, ads, radio and music, news, and even other people, we are set up to fall victim to misinformation. We take these things that we believe to be true, and we adapt them into our belief system. Suddenly we’re angry at this person or that one, this group, that country… and all b/c someone somewhere engineered a stream of well-crafted information. We believe that we are justified b/c our opinion is right and theirs is clearly wrong. Again, I am not exempt from guilt here. There are many people and things that I question often, finding difficulty in understanding how or why someone could/would feel that way. The truth is, I can never understand why, b/c I was not privy to the multitude of factors that makes any single person feel or think the way that they do. I was not in their mind as they grew up. As they learned right from wrong. Felt joy and loss. Were betrayed. Had examples set for them. I didn’t hear every word that was ever spoken to them or feel every feeling they had. I didn’t witness every neurologic bridge that was formed to lead to the complex set of characteristics and beliefs that makes them who they are. But you know who was? God. And He understands every single one of His children. So, we don’t need to. This is perhaps one of the more difficult concepts for us to grasp and implement as human beings. Resisting the urge to judge others for their actions, thoughts, beliefs or lack thereof. Ending the need to know why someone would or wouldn’t do/say/think/feel this or that.
Breaking this down into such simplistic concepts has helped me to reframe the ways I operate. Or at least, it has given me tools to help me start to. It’s pretty easy to stop my judgmental thoughts when I remind myself that I’m grossly unqualified to make them in the first place. When I remind myself that I will never be able to understand how a person became who they are. Half the time, I have trouble understanding how I even became who I am. Lord knows I can’t solve that riddle for anyone else. But it’s not my place, and it’s not my job to judge or find understanding in someone else’s choices or actions. It’s my job to accept that they are who they are by God’s divine grace and my only task is to love them anyway. Or at the very, absolute minimum, not hate them. After all, I’m not Jesus. But I can sure as hell try to be like Him.
Recently, I noticed myself starting to feel distanced from God. I know that He never moved… that the distance I felt was b/c I had moved. Or rather stopped moving. This distance correlated with the general state of my feelings and emotions over the last few months.
I won’t delve into the reason behind these feelings, but I will say that many of the causes were issues that hit very close to home and are directly affecting and threatening my family.
I could feel the shift in my mood gradually growing stronger and stronger. Yet no matter how many times I tried to tell myself that I couldn’t let things outside of my control affect me, I couldn’t stop this slow-moving boulder. I prayed and tried to console my mind with the reminders that God is with us and will protect us from harm. Yet on and on it rolled. I started feeling like I was failing God. That my faith was waning when it should have been at its strongest. But by the time I’d reached that point, my ability to recover on my own was gone. The amount of fear and anxiety had built up so high that I felt like I was in a cocoon too thick to break out of. Like too many layers had been poured on and I was trapped in a dark and muted place. Most of my days were void of positive emotions and were instead plagued with emptiness and occasional outbursts of frustration and anger. People asked me how they could help, and my simple answer was “I don’t know.” I was apathetic and felt like nothing and no one could pull me back from this precipice of depression. I began to hear things like “I’m worried about you” …and the truth was that I was worried about myself.
I remember driving home from work a few nights ago, attempting to pray. I had no idea what to say b/c I had no idea what I should ask for. I knew I needed help, but help with what? I finally gave up and simply said “God, I don’t know what I need, but please help me find it.”
This morning, I got up early to go to church before work like I always do on the weekends that I work. But today felt like I was just going through the motions. Driving to the church, I remember thinking that I was so hollowed out that going to church wasn’t going to help me. The best way I can describe it is that I felt like my entire body was weighed down and heavy. Like I was here, but not here. My ears heard the words other people were saying, and my mouth responded, but my mind was a void. I felt like I could sit and stare into space endlessly, feeling the emptiness and nothingness that was crushing me, completely unmotivated to move.
Worship started, and while I normally sing, I didn’t during the first song. I stood there feeling disconnected. The second song started, and it was one I recognized. I started to sing along, feeling the nudge to participate. As we reached a midpoint in the song, the worship pastor started speaking, calling out to us to lay down whatever we were carrying and speaking encouraging words of hope and faith. The song continued and I immediately felt my heart open. As if God had reached through the barriers of fear, anxiety, hopelessness, anger, and isolation and pulled me from that darkness. The overwhelming rush of emotion was staggering, and I cried (somewhat sobbed) my way through the remainder of the song. I felt the warmth and hope that I had been so distant from. I was reminded of the absolute certainty that no one and nothing can stand against God. That He has a plan for me and my life and that we are protected by Him against our enemy. That I am saved and loved and forgiven b/c of the amazing love and sacrifice of Jesus. And that no matter how bad things get in this world, I will follow my path with Him. Even if I stumble from it here and there.
Today was the first day in a while that I have walked into work with a smile and kind words for the people around me. My heart didn’t feel weighed down by immeasurable worry. I felt peace. I felt like myself.
There are so many things that I want to pull from this whole experience. So many points that can be made. But I’ll focus on these four:
Unchecked fear and anxiety will cause a barrier to form around your heart that can block you from feeling God’s love. It can creep up on you before you realize what a strong grip it has on you.
It’s ok to simply pray for help. It’s ok if you don’t understand what you need or can’t find the words to ask for something. Prayers do not need to be eloquently written verses. “God, please help me” can and will get the job done. He knows your heart and your pain.
You are walking into answered prayers every day, even when you don’t feel like you’re moving at all. God gave me exactly what I needed today. He broke through barriers that only He could break… and He did so b/c I “went through the motions” and showed up at church this morning.
No matter how hard you try, you will stray from your path. Your faith will be challenged, and you will have moments of doubt. As much as you want to be perfect, you never will be. BUT… no matter how many times you fall, God will find you and help you stand again. He will lead you back to the point in your path where you strayed and continue walking with you as if you’d never left.
Six years ago, a wrecking ball came through my life and demolished everything I was. In its wake, there was nothing but rubble and destruction. Before I could even clear the dust from my eyes, I was left standing alone with a couple tools, some mortar, and a whispered ‘good luck’.
I began sorting through the debris and salvaging what I could to be reused for my new life. I had no time to mourn. Life would not pause for me to lament. So I searched for pieces that could fit together, but often had to think outside the box on how to join one broken brick to the next. There was no instruction manual. I had no guidelines or experience to help me. It was a slow moving project. Some walls crumbled before they could be finished. Others had to be torn down entirely and rebuilt. More often than not, I felt as though I would never find the right blueprint. The task seemed too daunting; the setbacks too disheartening.
Over the years, there were plenty of people who joined in to help me rebuild. Some only came to offer guidance or criticism. Others helped rebuild entire rooms. And some ended up tearing down parts of what had been built, blessings in the disguise of destruction. Each person, for better or worse, left their name subtly etched into the walls. A reminder of their part in my renovation.
Eventually, I rebuilt myself into a seemingly sound structure. I had all the features that I thought I needed to be whole and successful. I took painstaking time with the foundation and supports so that when another disaster came along, there wouldn’t be complete destruction again. My framework was stable and even if I lost a wall or two, I could easily rebuild them. Or so I thought.
Small storms came and went, and after each one I still stood. A little disheveled, but still intact. Arrogantly believing myself to be invulnerable to another catastrophe. What I didn’t realize was that while I had completed the construction, there were flaws in the very foundation of it. Walls that were dependent on positive opinions. Support beams that relied on acceptance. Doors and windows that were circumstantial. Electricity powered by comparison. So when that next calamity rolled through my life, I was crippled in ways I believed myself impervious to. Torn down to the very rubble I swore I’d never find myself in again.
Sitting amongst the all too familiar ruins of my life, I allowed myself to well and truly fall apart. To scream and throw things. To feel the pain of loss and the despair of abandonment. To cry until I had no voice left to ask “why?” The devastation and heartbreak were debilitating. But they also opened a door which let in just the tiniest hint of light. So small, it could easily be missed.
As I surveyed the previous blueprint I’d used to build myself, that light allowed me to see more clearly where I’d gone wrong. The quick fixes that had been taped into place. The substandard materials. The corners that had been cut. The unbalanced focus between aesthetic and resilience. But perhaps more important than any of those things… I saw that I had been pulling my plans from the wrong carpenter.
I realized that if I wanted to build a lasting defense to the disasters of the world, I would need more than a strong will and determination. I would need faith. I would need the support of a power greater than anything in this world. I would need to learn that my value is not negotiable. That no amount of rejection or acceptance would ever change it. I had to accept that rebuilding something worthy takes time and cannot be rushed. That every brick laid and nail hammered serves a purpose. That others could help with the heavy lifting, but I had to be judicious in who I gave access to. And that my experiences, and failures, would give me the tools to help others rebuild their own foundations.
I’m not done building. Maybe I never will be. I think that is how it is supposed to be. I mean, is there such a thing as ‘enough’ faith? Or is there always room for more? I am building my house for me. It is unique to my strengths and weaknesses. It bears the marks of my failures and my triumphs. It is, and always will be, protected. It will stand as a shining beacon of what the love of God can accomplish.
I am firmly rooted in Christ and am now being built up in Him.
I don’t need to sugar coat that the world is currently a mess. I mean, it’s always a mess in some manner of speaking, but our country specifically is a cesspool of volatility at the moment. It feels like we are one well placed social match from lighting the cataclysmic fuse of destruction. I won’t go into all the ways that I could panic spiral, but I will say there are very personal and specific issues that affect my son’s education and his protection as a child with special needs that have been weighing on me heavily. As a Christian, and frankly as an adult, I fully understand that I have no control over these decisions that are being made and that my worry and anxiety will do nothing to change them. One of my favorite songs (at the moment) actually says “don’t borrow no trouble from tomorrow, you’ll only double your sorrow, you’ll only worry your mind” [Borrow – Josh Wilson]. It’s a great song with a fabulous beat and catchy chorus. And it will definitely lift your spirit a bit.
But I digress. So these big world problems and the seemingly imminent implosion of our country… I have been praying and asking for peace, patience, bravery, acceptance, understanding, etc. I have been telling God that I know He will see us through, while in the back of my mind I have also been saying (in my quietest mental voice) that I also know that seeing us through doesn’t mean we won’t suffer and struggle. Trusting God doesn’t mean He will make all the bad things go away. It simply means that I trust He will never leave us in spite of the terrible circumstances of the world.
But there is another voice that chimes in sometimes that says that things right now are so bad. So overwhelming and encompassing. Surely, He can understand how difficult it is to simply stop worrying about the onslaught of woes and fears. Surely, He cannot expect me to just let it go. To not make it the focus of my thoughts to the point that it bleeds into my daily life and conversations. And then I started thinking about Jesus. Like, His actuallife. {Please don’t quote me b/c I did not go to bible college, and I most certainly have not dug into the deep, deep research. But I do pay attention in church, and our pastor does a really great job of explaining the “there and then vs. the here and now”, so we get a lot of context in our messages that help us understand the background and circumstances of the world of which these scriptures were written. And, I’m also obsessed with The Chosen…which I know is a TV show, but from what I have seen, it follows a lot of the things I’ve heard in church. And I did do some light research. So again… do not take this as cold, hard fact.} So, Jesus… he was born into a pretty dismal time. Rome was ruling over everyone, and oppression was pretty prominent, as were staggering taxes. There was also a big push from “religion” to adhere to rules more than an actual relationship with God, with promises that rituals and rules were the way to heaven. From what I understand, this wasn’t a small, local problem, but pretty systemic and widespread. People were suffering everywhere. Jesus knew this. He knew what He was up against. And yet, He still went out and did His thing. He spoke to the people and spread the message of God. He showed love, mercy, and grace to every person He met. He did not spend His time focused on all the evils of the world. Mind you, He didn’t have social media so the daily “breaking news” took a bit longer to reach Him, but that doesn’t mean He wasn’t aware of the state of the world. He simply chose to focus on putting more good into it and not be dragged into the evil of it.
He also understood that the only actions we are responsible for answering for are our own. We have no right or responsibility to try to make others answer for theirs. They will do so eventually. I think part of why it is so hard to step away from the evil of the world is b/c we want these people to answer for their crimes. Even if we are judging them against a truly Christian scale… love God, love people… and they aren’t doing so, it’s not our place. Their selfish and greedy decisions are hurting other people. Not our place. They are breaking the law and getting away with it. It is unjust and wrong, and yet… it is NOT. OUR. PLACE. I read something once that said “I know I have forgotten the gospel of grace when your sin bothers me more than my own”. It’s a really good reminder for when I start to focus too much on other people’s transgressions.
I think the phrase “be like Jesus” is not given the proper reflection. It’s not just a reminder to be kind and love people. It’s also a reminder to do so while also choosing not to focus on the bad things happening in the world. That’s what Jesus did. He was kind and graceful while being fully aware of the world. He chose to do good while still carrying the weight of the world on His shoulders. Can you imagine knowing that you were ultimately going to die, and in a terrible and painful way… and yet still walking through every day with kindness and selflessness? More focused on others than on yourself? Facing your enemies and opposition with peace and grace? Loving the very people you knew would betray you? It is an absolutely amazing and awe inspiring feat. One I am so beyond grateful for. And such a life changing example.
2024 was a year that was full of challenges, victories, and lessons learned. Boy, did I learn a lot. Though in the moment, it didn’t always seem like “learning”. The clarity came after the fact, as it so often does. I call these my “look back lessons”. When you stand at the top of a mountain that you climbed, you can see the path that got you there. But while you’re hiking it, you only see what’s directly around you. The same is true of our path in life. So as I look back over the past year, I can see where I started… heartbroken and alone, struggling to find my new normal. I can see my journey… working toward forgiveness and strengthening my faith, but also falling victim to many setbacks and valleys. I can see my current location… calm and steady, sifting through the lessons learned and celebrating the triumphs over darkness. I’d categorize my major accomplishments as follows…
Forgiveness
This year, I reluctantly made a decision that, while necessary, also put me back in direct contact with a person who caused a great deal of pain in my life. I told myself that I was healed enough from my pain, and that God would help with whatever was leftover. Prayer and determination were going to be the winning combination for a smooth, seamless transition. It wasn’t until after the decision was made that I realized I was grossly mistaken about the progress I had made. I had processed and worked through so much while having no contact and minimal reminders of the pain. I have a bad habit of what I call “emotional amnesia”. When something/someone hurts me, I erase all traces of it/them from my life. It’s a rather unhealthy coping mechanism, but fairly effective. When you can live your life without triggers of the pain, things become much easier. I had only been healing the surface of my wound. The inside was still open and raw, but without real triggers to force that pain to the surface, I was walking a false path of accomplishment. When I had to come face to face with my hurt, I was forced to accept that I was in much worse shape than I allowed myself to believe. I told myself that I would be kind and fair. But I was bitter and angry. Hurt and offended. Confused and lost. Vindictive and spiteful. I prayed and prayed for God to help me forgive, and for God to forgive me. I asked for help to let go of the bad feelings. I asked for Him to help me carry the anxiety and pain. Over and over. I found a fantastic book called Forgiving What You Can’t Forget which was a massive help. It helped me ask questions that I didn’t even know I needed to ask in order to understand my feelings and reactions. It helped me find a better understanding of what it truly means to forgive, and how the lack of forgiveness can weigh so heavily on our spirit.
“Forgiveness isn’t an act of my determination. Forgiveness is only made possible by my cooperation.”
-Lysa Terkeurst
My journey was slow and painstaking. Every inch I moved toward letting go of my negative feelings felt grueling, and then I would backslide and find myself right back in a festering pit of bitterness and anger. It was disheartening at times, and often left me questioning whether I was making any progress at all, or if I would ever actually be able to forgive. My look back lesson was that forgiveness isn’t a one-time thing. For simple things, maybe. But for the big stuff… the stuff that causes real harm… you have to actively work at it. It’s so much more than just saying the words. You have to take the time to evaluate your feelings. Why you feel the way you do and where those feelings come from. You have to understand who you are and what you’re forgiving. I didn’t just need to forgive one hurt. There were hundreds. From the things that were said and done to the pain they caused to the loss of a future that would never be. The loss of trust, in myself and in others. The doubt of happiness existing again. Those things don’t vanish b/c you say a prayer. You have to continue to face them, every single day. You acknowledge them and own them, and then hand them over to God. Every. Day. And then you have to stop yourself from sabotaging, which is incredibly challenging. You have to retrain your own mind to stop journeying down paths that feed your pain. You have to learn to silence thoughts that would cause harm. And you have to actively work to replace those thoughts with positive ones. I won’t venture to say that I’ve mastered forgiveness, but I can see how far I have come and I’m super proud of that progress. I am also more graceful with myself b/c now I understand that “backsliding” isn’t a failure. It’s a normal part of the process.
2024 was a year for learning to forgive.
Discernment
I did a lot of reflection this year on myself and my choices. Choices that have largely led to pain and heartache. Choices I have been making for years. To put it bluntly, I have always struggled with accepting less than I deserve. It stems from a larger issue of feeling less than or unworthy, in more ways than one. As such, I often felt like rejecting others was judgmental and hypocritical. Who was I to deem someone unworthy of me or my time when I was such a mess myself? I also faced a lifelong belief that I needed acceptance from a specific type of people. Essentially “the cool kids”. Most of us go through this in middle/high school, however my inadequacy followed me into my adult years. Unfortunately, these ways of thinking allowed a lot of takers to access my time and energy. People who needed a mental or emotional “pick me up”, and sought it out from another person. People who leeched kindness and love from me and then left when their own tank was full. I often looked back at these people and saw the red flags I had overlooked, however it was far too late and the damage was already done. I had allowed them in and while I knew there were concerns, my misguided hope led me to walk down a path that was destined to fail, so many times (sometimes with the same people). I wanted something real and lasting, and they wanted to feel better. I gave without reserve, and they took without restraint.
One of the perks to having my heart broken (seemingly) beyond repair was that I built a wall around myself. I pushed away from all things “relationship” and stayed to myself. It was painful, and at times very frightening. I went through many periods of worry that I wouldn’t be able to open my heart to another person, platonically or romantically. I questioned whether my emotional isolation was helpful or harmful. More concerning was the lack of desire to invite people into my life. I had zero interest in dating or even connecting with new people. In a way, I had become cold and calculating. I no longer led with my emotions. My judgment wasn’t clouded by feelings. I saw a person and identified their motives. I said things I wouldn’t have usually said. I was blunt and direct. I no longer acted with my primary concern being someone else’s feelings. Not that I was mean or hurtful. I just saw things in a different light. I gained a sense of clarity that was brand new to me. My energy is precious. Too many people would gladly take it and use it for their own gain. My look back lesson is that I needed to abandon my old way of thinking in order to learn how to discern who is worthy of being in my life. And that is what I gained by closing down the roads to my heart for a while. I will offer kindness to anyone, but I will no longer allow just anyone to be an influence in my life. God helped me pull away from my own self sabotage to give me the ability to protect the very things that make me wonderful and unique in His eyes. The walls I built around my heart are going to keep out the takers. I have control over who I let in, and I finally have the self esteem and fortitude to decline entry to those who seek to harm.
2024 was a year that taught me to demand better for myself.
Hope & Trust
As I mentioned, I had a pretty significant heartbreak a while back. The kind that hits you out of left field. No warning or time to take shelter. You’re just left standing in the midst of pure chaos and destruction, disoriented and lost. And alone. There were an innumerable amount of things to overcome and heal from. Forgiveness to be found. Walls to be built. But there was also the loss of hope. I began to doubt that there would ever be a truly lasting relationship in my life. I questioned how I could ever believe that I wouldn’t be abandoned by anyone I let in. How I could trust someone to stay. How I could trust myself. I felt these things in my heart with a certainty that scared me. It was an unshakable feeling. I did not believe that I would ever find love, and I was so beyond certain of it that I was at peace with it. I accepted it as pure fact. I even began to think that my certainty of this was God’s doing. That He was giving me the clarity to see this and accept it b/c a relationship was not in my “plan”. Finding acceptance in being alone is a scary and yet empowering thing. It worried me that I was so at peace with it. I questioned if I had allowed hope to wither away and die. But I also found peace in that acceptance. In my opinion, dating these days has become a hamster wheel of death. You run and run, and you get nowhere. You exhaust yourself chasing the hope of love, and after all your time and energy you find yourself still in the same place… but with bumps and bruises from giving pieces of yourself away. Accepting my solitude meant I stepped off that wheel, and good Lord was it a relief.
Then I had a conversation with a friend in which I expressed my belief that I would be alone forever. He told me what so many others have so frustratingly said. That I should work on myself and use this time to grow.
[Word of advice to those of you that have tried to comfort your single friends with this nugget of wisdom… it’s not very helpful. We are still lonely and sad. We appreciate you trying to help, but we don’t want to hear that we should take this opportunity to make ourselves better… even if it’s valid and sound advice.]
Then my friend said that I needed to trust in God. My immediate response was “I do.” But then a little voice in my head started asking questions. Was I fully trusting God? I had been operating under the belief that love just wasn’t in my plan… but was my assumption actually a lack of faith? Is the very act of questioning my plan a lack of faith? Trusting God means giving over to His plan and letting go of everything we think should be. My prayers began to shift… First, I started asking Him to show me if I was meant to find someone. He didn’t have to reveal the whole road map to me, but at least let me know if I was hoping for a reason or if my hope was in vain. Then that little voice chimed in again. Here I was, asking God to tell me what to trust. Asking Him to give me what I thought I should have. Still not trusting in Him. Not entirely.
I won’t say that I have put all my fears to rest. What I have done is find is the belief that God will show me when a person is right for me. He will get my attention. All of the work I have been doing to build walls and filter who gets access to me has been His work. He has been preparing me to become a stronger person, with a foundation rooted in His love. [So yes, I was unconsciously using my time to work on myself, despite my irritation with that “advice”.] I truly believe that God will not let me overlook the person He has made for me. My look back lesson is exactly that. He has helped me grow into someone who will not be distracted or swayed by the unnecessary dating noise of this world. I will not be sidetracked by the unworthy, and I will not stray from my path for the sake of unnecessary approval. I have faith that when He sends someone my way, He will stop me from missing them.
2024 was a year in which I felt hopeless enough for my trust in God to waiver, even though I didn’t realize that I wasn’t trusting Him.But like the loving father that He is, He led me back to Him and gave me the perspective and understanding I needed to strengthen my trust in Him and to reignite my hope for a future.
I’m entering 2025 with a different kind of peace. I’m still a mess, and have so many opportunities to improve myself and my faith. But I know, with crystal clear certainty that no matter what I do, God will be with me and He will never turn away from me. I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am exactly who He made me to be. It’s a pretty fantastic feeling, to accept those things and carry them forward with you into each day.
This weekend has been a roller coaster of fear, anxiety, relief, and gratitude that has left me feeling emotionally and mentally depleted. But it was also yet another eye opening revelation to God’s power and timing.
I work in the emergency room, in the midst of all the chaos that comes with it. The craziness has never bothered me. I have often said that I would be very unlikely to ever be a nurse in any other environment. You see a lot in the ER. Families living in their cars. Alcoholics who are brought in almost daily after being found unconscious. Families requesting hospice care so their loved one can pass in comfort. Families abandoning their loved ones because they are too burnt out to care for them anymore. Life altering diagnoses. Death and loss. Pain and fear. This weekend was the usual mix of patients. With one exception.
A friend had been brought in for having a seizure at home. He was requesting to leave without getting the medical care that he needed. AMA, or against medical advice. I sat and talked with him for a bit and despite my pleas for him to reconsider, he was set on his decision to leave. He signed the forms and I walked him outside to wait with him for his ride. When his friend arrived to pick him up, we said our goodbyes and I went back inside.
Less than a minute later, we were being called out to the parking lot because he was having another seizure. He was brought back inside and into a room. Once he was in the doctor’s care, my adrenaline faded and the subsequent emotional crash was significant. Watching a friend seize and bleed from how hard he was biting his own tongue, but being able to do nothing more than hold his head off the ground and keep telling him it would be ok… even as a nurse, it was terrifying. When the patient is just a patient, it’s easier to act and stay calm because your emotions are not directly tied to that person. When the person having the medical crisis is someone you care about, eventually that little bit of trauma catches up to you.
As I calmed down and started mentally processing the events that had occurred, I began to tally up the reasons I was grateful to God.
That someone was home with him to call 911.
That this happened on a day I was working so he had a familiar face during a scary time.
That the ER staff was so quick to act to help him.
That he was able to get the medical care he needed to save him.
That he seized a second time.
You see, the friend that had come to pick him up was riding a motorcycle. He didn’t have a second helmet with him. Had my friend seized on the back of a motorcycle going down a busy road (in rush hour traffic) with no helmet, he could have and likely would have died. Possibly more than just him. He made his choice to leave, despite being advised by several medical professionals that it was a bad idea. His mind was made up and no one was going to change it. But when his mind couldn’t accept the danger he was placing himself into, God literally stopped him in his tracks.
The second seizure in the parking lot was God’s divine intervention. He physically would not allow him to get on that motorcycle. While that horrible event will always be burned into my memory, it will always be one I am grateful for. It may have been scary as hell, but it saved my friend’s life. In the moment, that’s not something you can see clearly. I have found that some manner of reflection and perspective are usually necessary to fully grasp God’s blessings.
When you think back on the things in your life that seem so awful, trace the line of your life from that point on. You will find that there are things in your life that wouldn’t be there without that event. People, opportunities, places, things, feelings. My brother made a series of bad choices several years back. He ended up addicted to drugs and in a matter of months was destroying his health and had lost or pawned off most of his things. He lost his job, his money was gone, and he was alienating himself from his loved ones. It was a horrific time for our family. But through a truly divine series of events, he ended up back in touch with an old girlfriend who lived 400 miles away. She helped him get sober and put his life back on track. They are married and have a son now. He often talks about how he wouldn’t change anything about that part of his life because without it, he wouldn’t have the things he has now. His family, his home, his job, his health, hislife.
So many things in our lives can and do seem like bad things, but are really blessings in disguise. There are definitely times in my life where I know that God had His hand on me and used something terrible to help put me in the right place. There are also some things that I still don’t understand. I just trust that there is a purpose buried somewhere within the turmoil. Getting what you want doesn’t always mean you get what you need. And getting something you think you don’t deserve may be getting exactly what you need.
We have made this election into a much bigger thing than it actually is. The reality is that it was a decision that needed to be made. As with any other decision in life, there are people who are in favor of said choice, and people who are not. No matter what decision is being made, the inevitable truth remains that there will always be “winners” and “losers” and no matter what choice is made, there will never be a choice in which every single person is happy. Never.
Well. The choice has been made. For better or worse, it’s done. The election is over and we have an elected official. Now it’s time to move on. It’s time to take down the signs and banners. Time to stop with the social media propaganda. Time to move forward. Preferably with grace. If you wanted this candidate, congratulations. But continuing to endorse arrogance and condescension doesn’t get you any gains in life. You don’t get access to some special VIP club b/c you were on the winning side before it was the winning side. Likewise, if you didn’t want this candidate, it’s time to stop festering in animosity and despair. You don’t get some martyr ribbon of honor b/c you were against this outcome. Life still continues to move on. Jobs require attendance. Bills require payment. Mouths require food. The sun continues to rise and set and the days continue to tick by, regardless of how ecstatic or distressed you are. I’m not saying (to either side) not to have your feelings. You are entitled to your joy or sadness. But we have to stop letting our feelings be our guiding factor on how we move forward, and especially on how we treat the people around us.
We have GOT to stop feeling personally victimized by the people who voted differently than us. Feeling this way is the equivalent of saying the neighbor across the street voted opposite of you to personally harm YOU. And ONLY to harm you. Taking offense about someone else’s actions indicates that you feel that their action was designed to expressly harm you. If you are going to hold hate and anger in your heart toward someone with differing views as you, then you are endorsing that their views are explicitly directed at you. And likewise, you feel the way you feel specifically to hurt THEM. Trust me, you aren’t that important. Peggy Sue didn’t check a box and mentally say “well that will show (your name here)”. People voted the way they felt based on what was personal to them. As did you. Your vote did not factor in how Bob at the gas station would feel about it. So does that give Bob the right to be directly angry and hostile toward you when your choice had nothing to do with him?
Are you understanding this yet? Let me go a step deeper. You feel some type of way about ALL the people who voted opposite of you… whether you voted for the winner or the loser. You don’t even know those people. You are taking a faceless mass of human beings and lumping them into one hateful category, and deeming them this or that based on your own imagined perception of the type of people they MUST be if they voted in such a way. What on earth makes you qualified to judge a complete stranger’s character? What makes them qualified to judge yours?
It’s time for both sides of this to humble up. Whether you are ecstatic or mourning… we ALL need some humility. We need some grace. We need some Jesus. Don’t be that kid who rubs his victory in the loser’s face. And don’t be that kid that sulks b/c he lost. Be the kid who offers a handshake and a genuine “good game”. Honestly guys, look inside your heart, beyond your score keeping and bitterness and hurt… and ask yourself if more division, anger, hate, or separation is going to make things better. We are drowning in negative energy right now. The nation is suffocating under the weight of it. Stop gloating. Stop whining. Stop attacking. Stop reacting. Stop waiting for everyone else to change before you will. Stop seeing people as red or blue. As Trump or Harris. They are people. The only way we make this world better isn’t by depending on our elected politicians or government. It starts with us. Each and every single individual person. It starts by seeing people as their primary identifier (whether they acknowledge it or not)… GOD’S CHILDREN.
When you leave your home every morning, remind yourself that every person you meet is someone Jesus chose to die for. What they do with that amazing gift is between them and God. You simply have to be kind. Do what Jesus did.
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard/been told this in varying forms and phrases. Over the years, my interpretation and participation has morphed with the growth of my faith. In the very beginning, I would pray for God to take my (insert word here) and I would silently say “God, I’m giving this to you.” That was the extent to which I was capable of letting go. I said the words, but my mind would still worry and I’d still carry the burden of whatever it was that I was supposed to be giving to God. After all, the problem was still present regardless of how many times I said “take it”. What I didn’t fully grasp at the time was that giving my problems to God didn’t mean they disappeared. More so that my anxiety and worry over them did. The issue was still as present as ever, but my mind was no longer troubled by the outcome. Giving it to God didn’t mean scooping up the offense and holding it in the air for some unseen force to lift away from me. It meant trusting that God would work out the situation in the way it needed to work out, and that my faith in Him was greater than my worry over the outcome.
My entire adult life, I have always walked in the knowledge that whatever happens in my life, I will continue on and things will work out in the way they are supposed to. I have always accepted that the outcomes will yield something good, whether it be for myself or someone else. There is always a purpose. That being said, I can’t say that I ever really actively trusted God. I knew I’d be ok, but I never actually stopped stressing over things. The more familiar with the concept I became, the more I tried. But it’s one of those “you don’t know until you know” kind of things. You understand the theory. You’ve watched the tutorial video and read the instructions. You even read the reviews and understood how valuable this asset is. But the actual doing part is somewhat elusive. We are so rooted in having control that giving it up is completely foreign. Not just in a “that’s uncomfortable” way. But in a real, tangible “I do not know how to do this” way. It goes against the very nature of everything we know. We are taught that when we let go of control, we lose our security, stability, and safety.
I think the very first time that I actually trusted God without reservation was this year. My lease ends on Christmas Eve. It was a two year lease, so my rent has been locked into a fairly low amount compared to what the market has been increasing to since 2022. I’m a single income household, so when it comes to “plan B”, there really isn’t one. I have no padding to fall back on, save for a very small amount of money in a savings account. I’d say my anxiety really escalated around March of this year. I wish I could tell you the exact moment that I decided that God would handle this, but I can’t. I just know that at some point, I told God that I knew He would make this work.
The job I was in was a salaried position with no option for extra income. I knew my rent would increase, that much was absolutely certain. Other apartments like my own were renting out for five to six hundred dollars more than mine. So I knew I was going to need more income to accommodate said increase. A job opportunity opened up. It was one that I really didn’t want to take. It would put me back into an unhealthy situation that I’d spent almost a year trying to recover from. So I prayed on it. A lot. One by one, pieces started to fall into place that made it almost impossible to deny that God was lining this opportunity up for me. Pieces that fit exactly. So I had another talk with God and accepted that this was my path and that He would see me through whatever emotional/mental fallout was to come from moving back into that environment. He did. It wasn’t easy, by any means. I took the job in May, and honestly hit some pretty low points. Low, but manageable as I knew that a) I have survived and triumphed over lower places, and b) God will never give me more than I can handle and He will always be there to see me through to the other side.
I continued to believe that He would handle my housing issue. Not that I didn’t do my own part. I saved what I could, and watched the rentals in the area for price drops. I knew that trusting God didn’t 100% equate to staying in my current apartment. It could mean that we would have to leave, and if we did, I would have the funds to ensure that was possible. I began to mentally calculate which friends I could depend on to offer up a couch to crash on if we did have to leave, but couldn’t find an affordable place. I knew that we would be ok. I just didn’t know which option we were going to take yet. In September, I requested a meeting with my leasing office. I knew they couldn’t tell me what my rent would increase to, but I was hoping they could offer some sort of insight into what other units were going up to. In the state of Florida, there is zero protection for renters when it comes to rent increases. There is no limit or maximum amount that a lease can be raised by. In fact, there are very few protections in place for renters at all when it comes to lease renewals. I entered the meeting with my notebook of questions, mentally prepared for the worst but hoping for good news. They confirmed that they had my lease renewal completed, but that they were not going to present it to me until 5 days prior to the deadline for me to give my written notice to move out. Then they said that the company had decided that they were going to implement a 5% cap on rent increases this year. Just for some perspective, my previous rent increases had been at least a 20% increase. We finished our conversation and I gathered my things and left. I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that I barely made it to my car before I was in tears. Overwhelming relief and joy took center stage, and then incredible awe. Awe that my faith and trust in God was rewarded. Awe that when I finally understood what it was to hand Him my trouble, He carried my fears and granted me peace. He provided for us in the best possible way that this situation could have worked out. We do not have to move (b/c that in itself is such a pain). We do not have to shell out thousands of dollars for a new place. We can decorate for and celebrate Christmas peacefully. My son will not have to change schools. I will not have to find a different (or second) job. And I don’t have to patch all the holes in my walls yet. (I drill first and measure second).
I wish I could give this the explanation that it deserves. This feeling of safety and love is like nothing else. I understand now how to “give it to God”. It is one of those tricky things that is so challenging to accomplish, yet when you do finally achieve it and look back, you’re amazed at the simplicity of what you had to do to get there. I have since been able to trust God with several other areas of struggle in my life. Being able to do so has opened up such a feeling of ease. It’s like floating on a lazy river. I can lay my head back and close my eyes. I don’t have to constantly tread water. I don’t have to fight the current. I don’t have to worry that I will be taken off my course. I am protected. I am safe. I can rest. I can let go, and let God.
Today I had another epiphany of sorts that has allowed me to broaden my perspective and strengthen my faith.
There has been this common thread woven throughout the sermons at my church. Slow down. Make time for God. Life happens so fast that we get caught up in it and miss the things we should be listening for. I’ve heard stories from other people about these amazing signs and messages they received from God. How God spoke to them and guided them. Yet I wasn’t experiencing those things. I was still in the same place, walking the path I thought I should be on, assuming it would lead me to the destination I was meant to arrive at… but with no real sense of direction or certainty. It was frustrating and disconcerting. I often felt like I wasn’t walking fast enough, or maybe I missed a turn and needed to double back to look for a sign. Maybe I hadn’t been walking long enough. It had to be me. I was clearly the problem. I just needed to walk with more purpose. Listen harder. Do better. I felt stuck.
I think when people tell their stories of their revolutionary signs from God, we tend to assume that this is the only way it happens. So often, we don’t hear about the quiet signs. Maybe b/c we don’t recognize them for what they are, or perhaps b/c people don’t feel like they are as story-worthy as the big ones. I don’t know why, but I can tell you that I have heard more testimony about hearing God in neon signs instead of silent braille. I wish there was some big dramatic epiphany that I could describe. There isn’t. Just your standard, run of the mill, human “aha” light bulb moment, rooted heavily in hindsight and reflection. I was listening too hard. Or rather, I was listening for a frequency that wasn’t audible. My signs and messages were always there. But I was looking for flashing lights and neon signs. Instead, it was a decision to go somewhere or speak to someone. An urge to post a blog. A job opening. A text message. A hug.
Let me try to better clarify what I mean. Today was our last meeting for our women’s bible study group until next year. I haven’t been in the best place mentally or emotionally for the last week or so. I went into the building with the certainty that if I chose to open up and share I would absolutely break down and that just wasn’t on the to-do list for today. The message today couldn’t have been more on point, which only served to push my volatile emotions closer to the surface. I listened to the amazing women around the table speak from their hearts, but I remained silent. By the time someone mentioned that I hadn’t gotten to contribute, time was up. We said our goodbyes and promised to stay in touch with each other. Until someone asked me that forbidden question. The one that breaks the last reserves of emotional fortitude and releases the flood of feelings. “Are you okay?” I broke down, despite my best efforts, but didn’t elaborate on the why. We prayed and hugged some more, and after several tissues and a lot of snot, we parted ways. I walked out of the building and turned toward the parking lot… and then I paused. I really needed to pee. I could make it home without any issue and more often than not I will do just that. I’m not the biggest fan of public restrooms. But for whatever reason, today I decided to go back inside and use the bathroom. As I was drying my hands at the sink, I turned to leave and there was the woman who had asked me if I was ok. We left together, and she shared that she had just been wishing that she could have talked to me more. She offered to buy me a coffee and sit and talk with me for a bit. Against my nature, I said yes. She listened to me cry and purge all of my worries and pain that I had been damming up for some time now. After an hour and a half (and another full bladder) we parted ways and I felt a tremendous weight lifted from me. I felt my joy and happiness seeping back into my bones. THIS was God. Where? In the timing of our final meeting when I was at a low point. In the message that I needed to hear specifically today. In running out of time so I didn’t share my woes publicly. In the acted upon concern of “are you ok?” In my decision to pee in a public restroom. In the offer of coffee and a shoulder to cry on. In the uncharacteristic confiding of my hurt and pain.
I’ve always just assumed that “slow down” was monosemic. I thought it meant that if I slowed down in the moment then I would hear Him. I didn’t consider that I could slow down to reflect and identify God’s directions and subsequent destinations. It is truly one of the coolest things. To replay a scene and highlight the God-winks. To run it all the way through to the end and stand in awe of how His gentle guidance brought me to the exact place I was meant to be. Acknowledging that I can “hear” more than I thought I could has been a big factor in overcoming my feelings of being “stuck” in my faith. It has given me the perspective to see that everyday leads me down the right fork in the road. Every decision is my spiritual GPS guiding me to my predetermined destination. I may get stubborn sometimes and take the long way, but God always recalculates my trajectory. I imagine him shaking his head, muttering “oh child” in these moments, exasperated but amused. The more connections I make between my choices and their results, the more I feel I am serving a purpose. The more I feel I am serving a purpose, the closer I feel to God.
The biggest battle that rages within me is figuring out who I am supposed to be now. No, I don’t mean this in the get-to-know-myself-learn-to-love-who-I-am way. I mean, I do love the things that make me unique, which I guess in a roundabout way contributes to this problem.
So here I am, on this gloriously cryptic journey and I have never been more confused. In the beginning, I very much carried the mindset that I was not going to be like all those other people who suddenly became superior to others because they were now “Christians”. In my mind, that immediate jump from sinner to saint invalidated the actual plausibility of their transformation. My sister suffered a lot of health problems. They were self-inflicted, but ultimately took her life. At one point, I remember her suddenly going to church and spending time with part of her in-law family. She had always detested them because of their attitude of being better than her b/c she wasn’t like them. I wasn’t happy for her, I was offended. I knew who she was, I grew up with her. She was not one of those people. I wasn’t going to be like that, because people would just see it as fake. I would see it as fake. I was going to be who I had always been, but now with a belief I’d never held before. Totally doable, right?
My whole life I have been sarcastic and quick witted. My older sisters got the original blame for this. According to those who have known me since my early childhood, they instilled in me a wonderful sense of snark. They also taught me how to flip a bird, a story my oldest sister will probably never stop telling. My sense of humor is widely ranged from corny dad jokes to dark and twisted. Not the “bodies in graves” kind of dark… more like it would earn a brow raise from the more wholesome members of society. I was raised in a family that had little to no filters (except when it came to expressing actual feelings). I traveled in circles where very little was taboo and very few were offended by the things that were considered scandalous to the classier folks. Then I became an ER nurse, which we will all tell you that there is a dark sense of humor that is almost necessary to be able to thrive in that environment. I like movies like Deadpool (not so much the sequels, though I haven’t seen the most recent). And yet, through all of those indecent building blocks, I still had a big heart and cared far more than I should have for people who took much more than they should have. I wasn’t cruel or malicious. So I carried the notion that I was a “good person”.
I talked about this in another post, but holding onto that stubborn and ignorant mindset is exactly what held me back from growing in my relationship with God. I accepted that some things had to go. But now, as I sit here in the clutter of my life, I am stuck trying to figure out which things should go in the “keep” pile and what needs to be tossed out. Is my sense of humor too un-christianly? Can I still be funny, but just in a PG version? Do I want to? I love my sense of humor, and so does a very large portion of the people whose paths I have crossed. It has not only allowed me to entertain people, but to bond with them. It has helped to calm and heal people when they were so anxious and worried. I am so very good at making people feel better partly b/c of my ability to make them laugh. So that must mean it goes to the “keep” pile, right? Cool, moving on.
I love building people up. Not in a cheesy ain’t-I-so-good kinda way… but in a true, genuine it-makes-me-happy way. So often, we pass by the positive things and only give energy and focus to the negative. When we see a coworker after a few days off, we complain about so and so and that staff meeting and on and on. We do not, however, mention the kind greeting we got from the secretary or the freshly cleaned bathroom. It’s the same with people. We don’t bring attention to someone’s goodness, b/c goodness has come to be expected and so it loses it’s novelty. We don’t tell people that they are kind or smart. We don’t tell them that we are grateful to know them. We don’t tell them that our day is better b/c they are in it. Well… I do. And yes, sometimes people look at me funny and think I’m just being facetious. I get the occasional “ok, what do you want?” or dismissive replies. But more often than not, people are touched. And they walk away with a smile. And whatever was bothering them in that moment before we spoke is now demoted b/c they have a positive moment to focus on. So THAT…. goes on the keep pile.
But what about the movies, TV shows, music, and books that I like? They aren’t all considered “wholesome”. If the things that we consume are so important for the outcome we want spiritually, does that mean I can no longer enjoy those things? Or more specifically, that I should no longer enjoy them? Do I just continue to like them in private, but not publicly? Or do I continue to like them, but also add to them? I can watch movies like Deadpool… but also watch The Chosen. Side note: uh-mazing show! Especially for newbies like me. I completely binge watched, stayed up way later than I should have, and lost count of the number of times I cried. 10/10 recommend. Ok, back to where I was… I can read books for entertainment value, but also make time for the bible. I can listen to the old music I like (b/c I don’t really listen to much of the newer stuff), but also love Christian music as well. In fact, it was Christian music that helped to pull me out of some of my darkest lows, not the music I’d always turned to in the past. So maybe keep… and toss some of the bits that are worn or broken and are no longer serving a purpose?
There have been so many key takeaways that have really resonated with me over the last several years that have helped me in this arena.
Permission to be you.
God loves you as you are.
Be uniquely you.
Use your gifts to help others.
There can never be another you.
Your value is priceless b/c you are unique and one of a kind.
They are super helpful reminders, but there always seems to be conflicting messages. Things you should change or eliminate to be a better Christian. You shouldn’t say this, or talk like them, or participate in that. That goes against God’s word. You should be doing more of this. There will always be noise, and there will absolutely always be ways that I fall short or fail. I am not perfect, but I wouldn’t want to be even if it were possible. What I do (usually) end up reminding myself of is this:
Focus on the good things. The things you do that foster love and grace. When you lose that focus, remind yourself that it’s ok and recenter. And then help other people try to recenter themselves.
As for the rest of it… well, I guess I will just sort through it all bit by bit, until I either find a purpose for it or find a reason to toss it.
Unfettered Faith 